I am grieving in a different way of you, who had know him for many years and decades. I discovered his song Hallelujah performed by another artist. I had loved that song but it was like something was missing until I heard him singing himself.

I discovered that it was the missing part of the song that I was looking for… It was the pure and true way that I was waiting to hear the song. I didn’t even know that it was him all along that composed the song. Then,  I started to listen to his song every time that I was not able to pray because I was too scared, too angry, in a lots of pain, in despair or feeling broken inside…It worked every time mostly after a couple of lyrics I would started to sing it too. Sometimes, I had to play it again before I could joined him.

It started to be on a regular basis on and off…

 I had listen to the song. Before a surgery for a brain tumor while I was pregnant at 27 weeks. While a the team of specialists said to me, if we wait more than two weeks it may be to late. The tumor was a huge one that the doctor missed because I was a praying in a meditative way that seemed to have mask some symptoms. Well, be careful if you have headaches for two years and praying is giving you a rest…

I had listen to the song. After the surgery when I was too much in pain to calm me down. Because I refused some medications that will likely harm my unborn daughter. I had no idea that this particular song will be needed for the next 12 years… I have never recovered my health. The nasty tumor had come back after 9 months, so more surgeries and two bacterial meningitis. Leaving me with unbearable chronic pain . 

His song, his voice over and over again for 12 years, the same song… I have listened to other musics and songs too but it was the only one that makes me go through it all…When i was able to started to sing it on my knees, i was getting better.

I had been compelled to sing it on the last November 7th, again on the 8th. On the 9th, I thought that I should see to buy his discography because there was surely possibly be some more songs that would touched me also…And frankly also, because my children were complaining about the fact that I was playing the same song over and over again, starting to scream over it. 

The 10th, it finally put my soul at rest and I was calm so I felt asleep at a more reasonable hour than most of the time. That night I woke up in the middle of the night, usual for chronic pain and was browsing on my Facebook, a friend of mine a singer had post a song that she did in duo during her concert the night before “Hallelujah” i was stunned ! 

I thought, WOW we were in sync…Then i read the comment she wrote calling out the other singer: ” Hey, we were in synchronicity, I just learned that Leonard Cohen has passed away, and we decided to sing one of his song, this is so sad and very strange…” This mention of, ” we were in synchronicity” was overwhelming…

I started crying and crying, I went on Amazon and bought all his albums at once… I didn’t know the man, I heard about him in Montreal but never really pay attention…What a waste of time on my part…I received them at once, plus a book of his poetry that I ordered the day after, but all of them on the same day arrived at my door…

But now what? I was struggling about the way to approach it…From the beginning the first album or try the other way around from the last and go backwards??? From the old age to his youth??? 

Since I was about to know better the man who rescued me so so so many times. It seemed  important to use a way interesting, a maneuver that may be unique. I had no clue and delayed the music itself. I started to read his poetry…That man had written this poetry some of the poems like it was designed just for me…Couple of days later, I decided to put on his last album to pursue a new angle since for his first one I was,  I think, in my mom belly. The very last one released 3 weeks before he passed away. 

“YOU WANT IT DARKER”

If a person would said to you, a complete stranger, an intimate name that you had decided to use for a profile on different social medias that you never had posted in it.  Waiting to write something meaningful or not, or maybe both, and he  says in the lyrics: “We”kill it ???  Would you take it a little personal ??? Flamme Vive in english is literally:  Living Flame, or lively flame…For me, at this moment, this man started to be a mystery or really someone that I needed to know better…

It will be a  very long journey to try to figure out WHO is that man ? That practically saved for me the day, for over 12 years with “a song”and the very next thing he says on his last album is: 

 We kill the flame

You want it darker ???

  Hineni Hineni 

I think I found interesting to write about, or maybe not.

First words, on a blog ever…Playing with fire!!!

It could have been anything else but since flammevive is out why not?

Let’s start…English is not my first language, i am learning watching movies, tv,news…it will be obvious as you keep reading. French is, so buckle up…I am not a writer but i used to read a lot(in french) if it means something to somebody.  There is a warning i want to do right now…I intend to write as the words come to me, either in english or in french, so it is up to you to try to make sense of it…I am writing to get something out there a little flame or flamme of what is it to be in touch with the world or somebody else than myself, another soul friend maybe…Selfish, i don’t think so, honest i hope so…Let me explain, i could have start with « the saving the world » design way in saying i want to help someone who experience the same thing, passion, distress or whatever is in or out there but, in the finale i know it is a lie, a white lie…a tiny bit of a rescue of the last trend we all hang on to, the little flame that we all carry on…a fragile thing so necessary to keep on just even starting the day or a blog…

I am already laughing at myself, are you real girl?  This is your first post and you are already falling as the most cautious, antithesis of Playing with fire…Well, time to go back with the fire thing…I am putting myself out there this is my version of playing with fire…I am not even sure i will write again, but hey a blog tonight…couples of words put together…I played my part…Goodnight!!!